When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 6, when you told me, \u201dI need you to be strong while we are getting divorced with your dad?\u201d<\/em> Or was it when i was a kid and you always left me alone to defend myself againist all abuses you had turned a blind eye on? Was it when I around 7 or 8, battling ear infection and severe pain, you gave me painkillers, tossed me in my bed and screamed at me to stop crying if i wanted to be around you? I never forgot how you left me alone to deal with that pain, you could have hugged me, hold me till i was calmer yet you ignored that too\u2026.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 9, when your own mother turned a blind eye to me getting sexually abused right in front of her face? Was it when i was 10, when u beat me down with a rubber slipper because i went to swimming alone in a wavy sea? You lit a cigarette afterwards, looked down to me in disgust and rage, i knew you could go for another round of beating if you were sure i could take it. You said, \u201dYou deserved that.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 15, you all were scared out of your minds and holding onto me as if i was your saviour only because it was a 7.4 earthquake and i was in pure shock to show any kind of emotion? Was it the next day when i ran inside our heavily-damaged house to get us some necessities because i knew that you would never go into that house on your own but gladly chase behind me in wild rage? Was it a few weeks after when we had to go inside the barely-standing house to collect our belongings? Was it a fe months later when we watched them tear us house down because it was a danger to everyone in the area? I wonder if you ever noticed how strong I was, how i never cried, how calmly i watched everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 15 when we had no home but a small container with no bathroom or toilet? Yet it was an upgrade from the tent and we were happy? Do you remember us having to use a big bucket as a bathroom? Was it when i told you i was sexually abused by someone you know and you did not believe me because i was stupid and you insisted that i misunderstood. You never believed in anything i had to say, never stood by me anyways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 16, when i noticed i could hang out in another home, doing my homework in peace? I remember hanging out there more than necessary but adults know when a kid needs safe place, they had always welcomed me with wide arms cos we all have that poor kid, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 17 and lost my virginity along my unwillingly stripped clothes? I never meant it to go that far but nobody would believe me so i just gave in because i probably misunderstood that too\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was in my 20s, fighting teeth and nail to save all my failing relations, trying to grow flowers on toxic environments? I wish someone had taught me about red flags, about saving myself first instead of trying to bottle-up all emotions and look strong even when you are falling apart inside because we never show our soft belly to others, we never show any vulnerability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was in my thirties, dealing with all these forgotten traumas, supressed memories, bottled-up emotions? Taking deep breathes when I am choking down, still offering soltiude and strength to others because funnily enough I had always known how it feels to have nobody on your side to fight for you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n When did i learn how to be strong? Was it all my chilldhood when I learnt nobody truly cares about my emotions, my needs so i tend to shut off my emotions, ghost people, play things off? I still do that as an adult, i disappear and i go silent when things get hard. I can\u2019t really ask for help because nobody cares and when i relearn that fact as an adult, then i have to burn down bridges.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When did i learn how to be strong? I am so triggered, so emotionally overwhelmed, i want to cry it out, all that pain and memories etched under my conciousness. Yet i can\u2019t cry because i had never been weak<\/em>\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n You asked me to be strong, how it backfired on you and everyone else, pretty poetic, almost Shakespeare like, a well-organized manipulation game, a well-played game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is how self-healing looks like some days, it is messy because you can never clean an old wound without cutting it open again. And i will heal because i had always been strong enough to deal with all trauma and emotions. I am only caught off guard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You should have been the strong one. You should be the one to make sure i would never step into that heavily-damaged building. You should have sat and spend time with me so i would not rebel for toxic attention. I was just a kid that was forced to grow up too quick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is why i am strong, i am crying and dealing with all these supressed trauma so i can be a better me for my own kids, so they will not have to deal with all these trauma when they get older like i did?<\/p>\n\n\n\n You are right, I had been strong. You had never been as strong as me, you had never been half the mother i am to my kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So i hug my inner child, she likes to come out and play with my kids, i stroke her hair back from her face and thank her for believing in me, remind her that now she is safe and finally loved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 6, when you told me, \u201dI need you to be strong while we are getting divorced with your dad?\u201d Or was it when i was a kid and you always left me alone to defend myself againist all abuses you had turned a blind eye on? Was it when I around 7 or 8, battling ear infection and severe pain, you gave me painkillers, tossed me in my bed and screamed at me to stop crying if i wanted to be around you? I never forgot how you left me alone to deal with that pain, you could have hugged me, hold me till i was calmer yet you ignored that too\u2026. When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 9, when your own mother turned a blind eye to me getting sexually abused right in front of her face? Was it when i was 10, when u beat me down with a rubber slipper because i went to swimming alone in a wavy sea? You lit a cigarette afterwards, looked down to me in disgust and rage, i knew you could go for another round of beating if you were sure i could take it. You said, \u201dYou deserved that.\u201d When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 15, you all were scared out of your minds and holding onto me as if i was your saviour only because it was a 7.4 earthquake and i was in pure shock to show any kind of emotion? Was it the next day when i ran inside our heavily-damaged house to get us some necessities because i knew that you would never go into that house on your own but gladly chase behind me in wild rage? Was it a few weeks after when we had to go inside the barely-standing house to collect our belongings? Was it a fe months later when we watched them tear us house down because it was a danger to everyone in the area? I wonder if you ever noticed how strong I was, how i never cried, how calmly i watched everything. When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 15 when we had no home but a small container with no bathroom or toilet? Yet it was an upgrade from the tent and we were happy? Do you remember us having to use a big bucket as a bathroom? Was it when i told you i was sexually abused by someone you know and you did not believe me because i was stupid and you insisted that i misunderstood. You never believed in anything i had to say, never stood by me anyways. When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 16, when i noticed i could hang out in another home, doing my homework in peace? I remember hanging out there more than necessary but adults know when a kid needs safe place, they had always welcomed me with wide arms cos we all have that poor kid, right? When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was 17 and lost my virginity along my unwillingly stripped clothes? I never meant it to go that far but nobody would believe me so i just gave in because i probably misunderstood that too\u2026 When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was in my 20s, fighting teeth and nail to save all my failing relations, trying to grow flowers on toxic environments? I wish someone had taught me about red flags, about saving myself first instead of trying to bottle-up all emotions and look strong even when you are falling apart inside because we never show our soft belly to others, we never show any vulnerability. When did i learn how to be strong? Was it when i was in my thirties, dealing with all these forgotten traumas, supressed memories, bottled-up emotions? Taking deep breathes when I am choking down, still offering soltiude and strength to others because funnily enough I had always known how it feels to have nobody on your side to fight for you? When did i learn how to be strong? Was it all my chilldhood when I learnt nobody truly cares about my emotions, my needs so i tend to shut off my emotions, ghost people, play things off? I still do that as an adult, i disappear and i go silent when things get hard. I can\u2019t really ask for help because nobody cares and when i relearn that fact as an adult, then i have to burn down bridges. When did i learn how to be strong? I am so triggered, so emotionally overwhelmed, i want to cry it out, all that pain and memories etched under my conciousness. Yet i can\u2019t cry because i had never been weak\u2026 You asked me to be strong, how it backfired on you and everyone else, pretty poetic, almost Shakespeare like, a well-organized manipulation game, a well-played game. This is how self-healing looks like some days, it is messy because you can never clean an old wound without cutting it open again. And i will heal because i had always been strong enough to deal with all trauma and emotions. I am only caught off guard. You should have been the strong one. You should be the one to make sure i would never step into that heavily-damaged building. You should have sat and spend time with me so i would not rebel for toxic attention. I was just a kid that was forced to grow up too quick. This is why i am strong, i am crying and dealing with all these supressed trauma so i can be a better me for my own kids, so they will not have to deal with all these trauma when they get older<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-36","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-downtherabbithole"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cathyblue.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cathyblue.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cathyblue.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cathyblue.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cathyblue.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/cathyblue.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37,"href":"https:\/\/cathyblue.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36\/revisions\/37"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cathyblue.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cathyblue.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cathyblue.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}